THE UNSALTED

Jenna Marbles. Jen-na Màr-bles. I even love saying her name. If there’s one girl out there that gets me: it’s her. Jenna’s an American Internet personality who’s famous on YouTube. She has this great sense of sarcasm. Not everyone gets it, but I do. I really do. To show you what I mean, I took the liberty of typing down three of her most insightful and enlightening comments.

On strapless bras:

A strapless bra means “Oh my god, isn’t it so incredible how this bra doesn’t even need any straps at all? Oh wait, it does, it just doesn’t have any!”. You know what I wanna do for the rest of the day or night or ball is to just fucking do this move (pulls up top/bra with both hands like a neanderthal) non-stop, ’cause this motherfucker isn’t gonna stay up no matter what you do. It also means “I love how my boobs look like ten times saggier than they actually are”. A strapless bra is basically just like giving gravity some steroids straight to your boobs.

On typical guys at parties and how to avoid talking to them:

So I started doing this (the face) when I’d be out with my friends. We’re all dancing, having a good time, got our hot girl disguises on, not in the mood at all to get hit on. Motherfucker can’t you see we’re having a girls night? We do not wanna talk to you. Now, don’t get me wrong, 99.9 percent of time I will talk to anyone that comes up to me, and I am super nice. You can ask anyone, it’s a fact. But as soon as your penis touches my butthole without me knowing, then, I’m not happy. It’s like dance-rape. I don’t want your junk grinding all up against my ass. We do not know each other. This is all happening so fast. Can I get pregnant from this? So what do you do: you walk away. That doesn’t work though. You can turn around and tell a guy “ew, go away”. They don’t care. They hear stuff like that all the time. So what I started doing is this: a guy comes up to you, starts dancing on you, you turn around and you give him one of these (makes the face). Now the trick is, you don’t say anything, the whole time. You just stand there.

On how to get boys to like you:

If this is someone you’re meeting for the first time, make sure you tell him all about yourself. How many kids you wanna have: “I want four and I can’t wait to get fat and eat what I want”, an uncomfortable story about your childhood: “my uncle used to touch me” and above all else make sure you get way too drunk to calm those nerves: “I want three of those shots that you light on fire”. Nothing says call me later quite like puking up your Caesar salad on him.

And there you have it. Be sure to check out her video’s, because I obviously think she’s hilarious. Her facial expressions and  fake accent really do the trick.

What your bra means: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=SYEPpk0MpnE
How to avoid talking to people you don’t want to talk to: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8wRXa971Xw0
How to get boys to like you: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3i6Jqu7BT4M