THE UNSALTED

I’m getting older each year (duh), so it only makes sense that I’m starting to have friends with babies. While I applaud your successful reproduction, I would like to remind you that I’m really not as interested in your child as you. To you, that child is perfect. A bundle of joy that needs to be showed off to the whole freakin’ world, but I’m telling you: we don’t care. Wait, no, I’m sorry, I shouldn’t generalize: I don’t care. I really don’t. In fact, seeing your personal Facebook page change into a page solely dedicated to your baby makes me want to unfriend you. Please stop smothering me with baby pics. And please, for the love of god, don’t you dare change your profile pic to one of your baby. YOU ARE NOT ONE. It may feel that way, mother band and all, but you are two different entities and I chose to be friends with you, meaning I’m interested in posts about your life. And yes, the occasional photo with your child is part of that. However, seeing the 187th photo of your toddler eating (and drooling) isn’t what I asked for. At all.

As if seeing a constant flood of baby pics appear on my feed isn’t bad enough, there are those parents that like to take it even further, by adding “personal quotes” to each pic. “Thank you mommy for this delicious meal, now I’m sleepy-sleepy”, “I had an amazing day at the park today, I saw birds and dogs and I even had my first bite of solid food, I love my mommy and dad’dah so much!!” etc. Really? It’s the most annoying thing ever. YOUR CHILD HAS NO IDEA WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON. STOP. STOP! DELETE AND REPEAT! DELETE AND REPEAT I TELL YOU!

Let me remind you that most of those baby pics seem adorable and newsworthy to you, and, be real, ONLY you. And okay sure, maybe some relatives and close friends are interested too. Or other people with babies. I’m starting to think there’s some secret (and creepy) baby cult that you join when you pop one out, because to this day I haven’t seen a single new parent who hasn’t done those annoying things as described above.

Note: I don’t hate babies nor do I hate parents. I do strongly dislike oversharing. Thank you.