THE UNSALTED

I’ve recently started working at a gym, and I must say I’ve learned quite a few things. Here are some unmissable insights into the Gym Life, “bro”.

1. Guys are only chivalrous and tidy when there’s a struggling girl around.
2. It’s all about dem mirrors yo. What’s the point in lifting those heavy weights if you can’t look at yourself flexing? Seriously. There’s no point.
3. Guys come in packs too. It’s not a girl thing.
4. No one likes planking. Or burpees. Everyone hates it. There’s a universal Burpee/planking-hate group and we’re all automatically a member.
5. That “harmless” old guy can totally beat you up. Don’t be fooled.
6. Putting dumbbells back in their original place is too much exercise for today. Or any day. So.., you mean I can use them to work out, but have to put them back afterwards? Slavery!
7. If sun’s out, people are too. The gym is officially empty.
8. People expect the gate to open the second they swiped their card through the reader. People bump into the fence every. single. time. Even if you tell them to wait a sec. Ah well, I tried.
9. No one looks good during/after a workout. No one. So stop caring. You all look red, sweaty and poofy. And that’s the way it should be. If you’re not disgusting afterwards, you didn’t put in enough effort. Don’t believe the header of this post. Those smiles are lies. Deceit!
10. There’s a very fine line between polite chitchat and “I’m your new best friend. You’ll let me in without my card, right? Thanks!”. Be cautious.
11. That guido dude is actually really nice.
12. Guys will look at anyone who has a vagina, so don’t let it bother you. It’ll pass. If you’re still uncomfortable, groaning like a wild animal (in the wrong kind of way) during exercise will stop the eyeballing. Effective immediately. Just a tip.
13. Leg day is important. Don’t skip leg day.
14. No one is looking at your fat. Absolutely no one. So relax, take a breath, and do what you gotta do without fear or embarrassment. We’re all too occupied with ourselves anyway.
15. If you’re my friend and you go to my gym: Girl, I know you’re lying. You didn’t work out yesterday, so I’ll assume you meant “I ate cheesecake in front of my tv” instead. You haven’t been here in over a month. Shush. Just shush.