I’ve noticed dating has become more loose and exploitative over the last couple of years. A lot of people somehow quit putting in -even the minimum amount of- effort and avoid labels as much as possible. Nowadays, you can date someone for a solid 4 months, non-exclusively (because we’re simply “testing the waters”), only to end up apart without room for grief because you were never really a thing. Or were you? Let’s just ignore the fact you did all things couples do. Let’s downplay the fact that you got intimate. Or better yet, let’s pretend it never got serious. Honestly though: when did dating become a disposable all-you-can-eat buffet culture?
Social media has given us an endless supply (and acces) to gorgeous singles all around town. Especially Instagram has proven to lead attention astray more than a few times: the grass is always greener on another profile. Add some smooth DM-skills and your dating pool has never been bigger. Focussing on one person has proven to be hard when there’s a sirenlike allure of other willingly, attractive people just around the corner. We know what everyone’s up to at all times, who’s hot and available, who’s living a great life, and we can get in touch at any time. You’d be temped for less. We’ve all succumb to creeping, basically watching (if not judging) the Truman Show involving everyone around us, while simultaneously being watched as well. Not that it’s intentional. Or even conscious. It’s basic habit, in a world where your activity doesn’t exist unless it’s posted online.
Well, call me old-fashioned, but bloody hell: FUCK. THAT. SHIT. I want a man to ask me on a date and woo me. I want someone to take initiative and focus his sole attention on me. Out of respect, out of interest, and most importantly: out of the intent of giving getting to know me a real, decent chance. Because honestly: you’re not giving me (or anyone else for that matter) a chance if you’re also keeping tabs on every other person of interest out there. I get it: it’s unavoidably there. Alluring people on every social media channel you use. I understand. I just don’t get that open attitude. Maybe it’s a girl thing. Maybe I’m just classic at heart. Either way, I believe in small gestures and proper moves on both ends. Otherwise you’ll never accomplish more depth than a scratch below the surface. I don’t have to need to wonder who else you’re hitting up on social. I don’t want to question your interest because you show a lack of effort and are clearly busy with a lot of other potentials to date. That’s exhausting and off-putting. Especially when there are also little white lies involved (first off: I know you’re not telling the truth. That’s one up- and downside to social media: your online activity has made it harder to lie. We all know you weren’t at your grandma’s house baking cookies, Patrice. Second: I’m offended you think I’d believe that. Third: Just be honest, babe? We’re good as long as you’re clear). All I need is a basic, gentelmanlike attitude. Which doesn’t mean I expect flowers, serenades and maximum input (although I love cacti, just saying). It doesn’t mean I’m needy or high-maitenence. All I expect from a date is to show me little signs of interest: send me a random text every once and a while, ask me about my day. Take me out for dinner, or a simple walk around town. Show me you want to know me. Show me I’m on your mind.
Personally, I won’t accept any other dates when I’ve already agreed to or had a (good) date with someone. To me, that feels wrong, like I’m double-crossing, and I’d rather keep things honest and I guess respectful towards the person involved. This does not mean I expect the date in question to immediately share this view. Being exclusive while dating (even before the possibility of maybe evolving into a relationship becomes real) is something I feel can wait until after a couple of dates, if it becomes clear there’s motivation to explore further. If the mutual interest lingers, I think it’s simply polite to focus on each other in order to give it a real shot. Because if not, what’s keeping you from sidetracking? When the new, exciting moments are over, why bother to keep seeing that person, if you have so many other thrilling dates and rewards waiting? The online buffet never closes. So honey, if you feel like the next dish on the table: flip it. Don’t you ever let yourself be an option. Because in 95% of those cases, you’ll end up benched, while (s)he’s doing other people.
At the end of the day, if someone isn’t capable of directing their attention to you solely, it’s him/her who’s missing out. Because that person just missed the chance to truly discover how bloody awesome you are. It’s kinda like someone sucking/testing different flavors of lollypops, without ever getting to the sweet center of one. And that center? That could have fucking blown their mind. Don’t chase people who show no intent of chasing you back. No amount of sweet talk, (often personal) excuses, or busy schedules can make up for the fact that you deserve someone’s attention and effort, without having that mean you’re an overly attached creature. Dating in a social media culture isn’t all bad though. Those platforms have given us the opportunity to already gather some basic information about a person of interest, as well as offering a quick way to get in touch. It has created a general habit of keeping things casual and open, for as long as we like, taking the pressure off. I’ll admit that’s a plus. But it’s also made us so ridiculously scared to commit to someone. I’ve seen people run away from someone who’s perfect for them, just because they couldn’t handle the label “relationship”. Changing your status on Facebook pretty much equals being set (or trapped) for life. We lost our courage to invest in someone, because there’s always the possibility of (public) heartbreak, and what if there’s someone even better out there for you? Can you ever rule out all your other options? And that, well, that’s a very sad thing. We have never been more disconnected from one another.. Isn’t that ironic?
Now, I’ll admit I’ve given in to people who weren’t serious once or twice before. I’m not perfect, I too can be naively distracted by physique or basic attraction and ignore obvious red flags in the proces. 
Often we hear exactly what we want to hear, even if the message is crystal clear about the opposite. My biggest “default” is that I have the automatic habit of trusting people and their words. I rarely question someone’s intentions, because I’d like to believe that people are good and mature enough to tell me if their interest is little or merely sexual. I also come across as easy to those people, because I’m ridiculously understanding and often express the fact that I’m not seeing anyone else. Did I ever end up played and used? Led on to believe they liked me, only to get tossed aside as nothing when playtime was over? Of course. Does that mean I should let it slide? Hell no. But haven’t we all been there before? As long as you learn from those experiences, without shutting yourself off, you’ll be fine. When someone shows signs they’re not being genuine, or if they’re simply not showing the desire to hear from you or see you unless it’s a last minute text to meet up: walk away. You’re too good for that shit.
In my personal experience regarding this subject, I give off the impression that I’m “in the bag”, but the truth is I’m just kind and old school when it comes to dating, which I feel is a difficult thing during these technological times. People often mistake that as being more invested or attached and therefore easy to be kept “on hold”. The fact that everyone’s constantly reachable by phone doesn’t improve that perception. We are taught to “wait long enough” before texting, post Instagram stories to show we’re “independently living the best life” and so on. God forbid you reply within a minute. Bloody hell, who cares? Why is everyone so caught up on appearances? I don’t like to play those games. If I’m interested, I’ll text. I’ll express it. You’ll know. Sadly, this often leads to being viewed as someone you no longer need to win over. That’s where, at least when it comes to me, they’re wrong. The fact that I’m reaching out and offering you a chance (even after you might not deserve it and are aware of that truth) does not mean I’m yours. Giving attention to someone and wanting to see them does not mean you’re any less of an independent, gorgeous motherfucker. Your date should be happy (honored, I say!) for being given the courtesy of having a shot at wooing you over. And if not? Well, in my case, I’ll be a gone girl long before you realize I’m out. And here’s a solid fact: they always come running back when it’s too late. Even when you don’t expect them to. Maybe after a couple of weeks, maybe after years. Doesn’t really matter tho, by then that door has been long closed. As Cardi B puts it: I like texts from my exes when they want a second chance -swaggerly singing these lyrics while scrolling through said messages*-
So, to end this life lesson and rant: don’t be an option. Don’t ever allow someone to bench you, but if you do end up in that unfortunate situation: it’s never to late to take the reins. And more importantly, don’t let the experience alter your self worth. In so many of these situations, their lack of effort has nothing to do with you, and everything with their inability to focus their shrimp mind on you instead of the wide (online) dating supply. And let’s be honest now: there’s nothing more unnatractive than a wo/man who’s working every fish in the sea. Except maybe genital herpes. And people who sniff their hands when they touched their junk.
THE UNSALTED 
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