THE UNSALTED

If you’re wondering what this title is referring to, I’m speaking of people who have an almost endless range of interests, but can’t seem to commit to any of them. Which is exactly what I’ve struggled with throughout my entire life so far, puberty included.

I’ve currently spent two nights in a row with random thoughts of inspiration, balancing between the urge to write and the urge to draw. I manically started cleaning the house (a common thing whenever I feel overwhelmed with purpose and the urge to take action), stumbling upon boxes filled with photography material (ranging from Polaroid cameras to accessories), drawings in various styles and from quite different periods in time, to sewing material for a course I never even started. More often than not, I’m conflicted at the sight of those, one part of me proud and in awe of my wide range of interests (and sometimes talents, even though talent must always be actively nurtured to maintain its strength), another part frustrated, disappointed even. In myself, in my lack of perseverance. After all, who knows what I could have accomplished, if only I had committed to something for the long run? How very different or successful would my life be, if I were only able to focus?

Ironically, the conflict of sensing the need to nurture one of my interests also results in the exact opposite. I spent these days doing absolutely nothing. Unable to choose, and unable to act. Further growing the feeling of frustration to the point that I’m so annoyed with myself, I give up even more. It is a constant struggle, that never fails to provide the ultimate paradox.

I call my varied phases of inspiration my “infatuations”. From one second to another, I’m capable of becoming so interested in a particular thing or topic that I can spend hours, days, or even months dedicating myself to it. And I will not hold back when it comes to investing money in my newfound hobby or interest. If anything, I’ll do “whatever it takes” in the blink of an eye. But as great as my interest may have been, it is also fleeting, and can easily come to an abrupt halt. For example, at one time I spent a full day researching all there is to know about mussels. Mussels, for goodness’ sake. But then there’s also me starting guitar lessons, only to quit a couple of months in. The same goes with a lot of physical activities, but it’s not limited to that. Almost anything can be thrilling to me. The plus side? Even though my dedication is short-lived, I gather a lot of information about a wide range of topics. I can surprise with some of the things I know and learned, even if it might be considered useless information. But, you know what: isn’t all information in a way useful? It’s surprisingly pleasant to feel this type of motivation, which is not experienced by everyone. In a way it’s a blessing, but also a curse. My surroundings never failed to remind me I have “so many capacities, if only I’d just use them”. Teenage me felt particularly down by those remarks, even if they were made with the greatest of intentions. It sometimes feels like I’m stuck in limbo. A failure, even. People expect you to choose a path, striving to be the best in one particular field. Not choosing, however, means you never discover what could have been. You never reach full potential.

As you may have guessed, I’m having one of my frantic inspired-to-write-and-blog moments right now, following the past two days of restlessness. Blogging seems to be one of the things that always resurfaces, no matter how long I might disappear. Setting up this website a couple of weeks ago gave me so much fulfillment, leading me to wonder why it can’t always be like that. Imagine the things that might be possible, if only I’d truly choose something to pour all my energy into. But you know what, while being a multipotentialite (yes, that is an actual thing, look it up) might be frustrating at times (always being at the start of something, but never accomplished. Feeling the guilt of not growing similar to those around you), it can also be fun, and positive. It helps me adapt to new environments, even professionally: give me a chance and I’ll quickly learn whatever there is to learn, and offer you more than you requested simply because I’m interested. I’ll prove my value to you, even though I have no interest in climbing the ranks. It helps in being adaptable, maybe even in understanding different types of people. You’re constantly discovering dots, and connecting them in the process. Even if you are all over the place.

So, if any of this sounds relatable to you: you’re doing great sweetie. Stay chaotic.